The five phrases to teach children that matter most, according to child development specialists and mental health practitioners, are not the ones most parents spend time practising. While ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ get drilled in early, a different set of words does far heavier lifting: the ones that help a child ask for help, name a feeling, hold a boundary, or tell a trusted adult when something online has gone wrong.
Why these phrases to teach children are worth practising out loud
Confidence with language like this does not simply arrive. It has to be built, and it has to be rehearsed out loud, with you. That is the consistent thread running through the guidance of the practitioners who work on this daily.
The first phrase is straightforward: ‘I don’t understand.’ It sounds simple, but admitting you do not follow something takes real courage, even for adults. For children trying to appear capable in front of classmates and teachers, asking for clarification can feel like a risk. Sid Khurana, M.D., a board-certified child and adolescent psychiatrist, puts it plainly: ‘It is very important for the kid to find the confidence to say this, and have the self-awareness and self-esteem, that it is ok to not understand instructions. And it is okay to ask a person to clarify.’ Practise specific language with children: ‘I don’t get it,’ ‘Can you tell me more about this part,’ or ‘What does this mean?’ How you respond when they use it teaches them whether asking is actually safe.
The second phrase, ‘I can figure this out,’ addresses the reflex most parents know well: stepping in to fix things the moment a child struggles. Jennifer Walker, R.N., B.S.N., founder of Moms on Call, says the research is consistent on this point. ‘Over the past 20 years, we’ve seen that when children are consistently treated as capable and resourceful, they begin to see themselves that way too. And over time, those messages become their own inner voice.’ Walker says the groundwork can start as early as toddlerhood with phrases like ‘You’ll figure it out’ or ‘I know you can do this.’ One practical reinforcement: narrate your own thinking out loud when you are working through something complicated, so children hear what it sounds like to take something one step at a time.
Naming feelings, navigating the internet, and knowing ‘I matter’
The third phrase is ‘I feel…’ and it is harder than it looks. Naming emotions requires vocabulary that young children simply do not yet have, and the feelings that are hardest to put into words are often the most worth saying. Lakiesha K. Oliver, L.C.P.C., frames it directly: ‘The ability to express our feelings is the cornerstone of mental health and well-being. When children know they are safe to express how they are feeling, we normalize the range of emotions and open pathways to healthy coping, emotional management, and resolution.’ Khurana adds that this matters especially for the difficult emotions. Teaching a child to say ‘I’m mad’ or ‘I’m scared’ gives them a way to move through something rather than getting stuck in it. The groundwork can start with toddlers by naming what they are experiencing in real time.
Fourth: ‘I need to tell a trusted adult.’ As children spend more time online, they will encounter things that confuse, alarm or embarrass them. Jim Festante, executive director at Health-e-Habits, a digital wellness organisation, describes the default pattern: ‘Whether a child opens a phishing text, accepts a weird follow request, chats with someone they don’t know, or accidentally forwards a spam link, their first instinct is to delete the evidence out of shame or fear of device confiscation.’ That instinct leaves children managing situations they are not equipped to handle alone. Festante also points to group chats as a specific pressure point. ‘Middle and high school group chats operate 24/7, creating massive anxiety for kids who fear missing out or waking up to 300 messages and a shifted social dynamic.’ How you respond the first time something goes wrong online shapes whether your child comes to you the next time. Sharing your own small digital mishaps helps make clear that everyone slips up.
The fifth phrase is the shortest: ‘I matter.’ Teaching a child to say this is not about raising their ego. It is about giving them somewhere to stand. Nearly 40 per cent of US teens report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and young people who feel connected, supported and valued tend to come through harder seasons better. Oliver puts the underlying principle simply: ‘The fact that there is no other person exactly like them speaks to their individual importance. Their voice, body safety, appearance, gifts, and talents all mean something.’
One practical way to make this tangible at home: at dinner, take turns sharing a moment from the day when you felt like you mattered to someone. Before long, children start scanning their days for these moments, and that small habit shifts how they see themselves. More guidance on building these conversations at home is available from The Optimist Daily.
